Oct 11, 2022·edited Oct 13, 2022Liked by Rhyd Wildermuth
A thought - the idea of abolishing the family is an attempt, unconsciously to make everyone androgynous secular globalized friends flattening out the diverse ecosystem of relationships - neighbor, friend , man woman, grandfather, grand mother, mother, father, co-worker, business partner, brother, sister, son, cousin, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, husband, wife, daughter, lover, stranger you meet along the way, advisor, mentor, employee, employer, leader, follower, acquaintance, spiritual guide, rival, competitor and on and on and yes the androgynous, gay, lesbian, trans types and the added variety of cultures and belief systems. Each of these states of being have their own essence, taste, feel and purpose. Often those who squawk the loudest about diversity actually in practice want to reduce it severely. There are types in their minds that are not part of diversity.
And I would add to those relationships - the broken, the crazy, the weak, the sick, the problem people - who will always be with us, and have their own place and purpose.
I grew up the middle of 8 children. My mother was mentally ill (much later diagnosed as borderline - when we’d all grown up) and my dad was a Calvinist minister. It was highly dysfunctional, and often chaotic and violent. The religious aspect did not help (I got my sex education from Focus on the Family’s Dr Dobson). But I will say this: we took care of each other. I wished as a child that my mom had stopped having children after me, and like you, I have seen some very beautiful parenting in my younger siblings.
I cannot help but think Lewis doesn’t understand development- small children cannot consent or not consent...it is a the work of development in which they learn this. And by the time they do, some often run away (I used to work in a homeless shelter for youth). And these youth often then find family in other ways. In my religious days, the church was regarded as the “church family” and later when I found ecstatic dance, I referred to that community as my family. It seems natural to us to seek and find family of some sort, and what you said about the family being outside of the capitalist/political control resonates for me.
Oh, Dobson! That's a name I haven't thought about in a very very long time.
I think what happens with family abolitionists is that they take that latter kind of adopted family as a model for all families, like we should all get to choose who is family. That's a pretty idea, but there's a tyranny in forcing a decision on someone who doesn't have any other context. I think especially of all the younger gay and lesbian people I met with stories of being sexually abused by their new 'radical' family, running from something that felt stifling to something that became really exploitative.
I hadn’t thought about that, but that is present in street culture “families” too.
I was telling my partner a bit about your article, and we live in Mexico, and we agreed that family abolitionists would be laughed out if the country here. Family is scared here, for better or worse.
Ha! I remember a Marxist activist trying to explain to social justice activists how ridiculous it would be to ask her own abuela or any other women in her hometown what gender they identified as or what their pronouns were...
You make an important point, if I may paraphrase, that the family is one of the few institutions remaining that is outside both state and market. Within a family, people make their own agreements, and they ordinarily pay for each others' services. As capitalism grew, the bulwark of the family suffered one blow after another. The extended, multi-generational family was shattered. (At one time, people lived in proximity to dozens or hundreds of relatives.) Today, the nuclear family clings on, but cedes more and more swaths of its territory. For example, many if not most families put the children in day care for 8 or more hours a day while they work. Those precious years when they are little, given over to state and market institutions.
We have a long road ahead of us to regain what we have lost. We can do it. It begins with valuing what we have lost, and what still remains to us, as precious.
This is a cultural phenomena too: where I come from, you mostly share a house with your family. You only split and acquire other housing if there isn’t enough space. But it gives an opportunity for the young generation to see the older one live out their days surrounded by love and the grandparents can help out with the kids and household work.
I didn’t know so many people lived out their days in nursing homes until I came to the States. Seems disconnected and lonely.
The original review was much longer but needed to be cut for space reasons. In the original, I'd mentioned a lot about how here where I am now, villages are often comprised of many extended families living next door or a few houses down from each other. When I married my husband, many in the village sent gifts to recognise me joining the village, which is really like a very large extended family...
I absolutely agree with you. I'd only clarify that family isn't really an "institution" in that it isn't instituted, it develops naturally. It's a nuanced difference, but an important one I think because institutions can be abolished, but human relationships cannot.
First they told women to lay on a table to let a man help them with childbirth. Then they said not to breast feed their babies. Then said mothers need to be older; wait till you are almost too old to have kids (mid and late 30's). And here we are. I am so glad YOU reviewed this book. best
What an insightful, and incredibly moving review. I’ve been enjoying your work for only a few weeks now, but what I have seen thus far has made me grateful you are contributing your thoughts to our current circumstances. Keep up the good work, and thank you for doing what you are doing.
You're very welcome. I'm trying my hand at this Substack thing as well, you're writing style and content are both helpful to me in that regard. Beyond that, I find you're work challenging and engaging. I appreciate the depth of your understanding regarding the challenges we face in the contemporary west.
Good review. While it is true that families can be terrible and oppressive, they are not the whole of reality. A terrible and oppressive state institution is much more difficult to escape. Of course, the ideal socialist institutions of the author's imagination will be nothing like Romanian orphanages or the child welfare system in the United States or Indian boardings schools. Hah. It is interesting to see the same tired arguments on certain topics rolled out on a regular basis--like watching Dawkins and the other New Atheists trundle out arguments that were old in the Middle Ages. I was a great Gilbert Keith Chesterton fan in my high school years and remember him addressing the same fantasies of liberty through the elimination of the private family.
A really lovely piece of writing - I can hear the vulnerability amongst the academic and philosophical leanings an article such as this requires. Really enjoying your perspective and writing, subscribed after the beautiful newsletter about the art show. Thank you. 💜
Thanks! And often I feel like conservatives are often much quicker than leftists at understanding there is something wrong, but then they come to wrong conclusions about why it is wrong too quickly. On the other hand, leftists usually refuse to ever acknowledge the problem in the first place until they're later scrambling to figure out why everyone is now super angry with them.
Lately I thirst for commentary that is both coherent and moving, and you have never disappointed me. Thank you for this beautifully written, nail-on-the-head advocacy.
I feel like she is describing problems that can occur in a family as having a root cause in the family as opposed to acknowledging that problems are derived from a capitalist society. Let me put it another way, if capitalism wasn't a thing would the same ills she describes as a problem in the family still exist?
I perceive that it is along the lines of if we just develop cybernetic implants we can rid ourselves of the problems of our body. This of course ignores that the so called problems of the body are either created by capitalism or exacerbated by the western style of capitalistic medical system.
As you describe don't blame the family for the issues, blame the society. A return to family with out the effects of a capitalistic empire is a far better plan than dissolving the family. Family is one of those few things we can have in our life that we don't have to labour for (well physically anyway) or pay for (well in theory). Also family is not limited to blood or biology, I myself have declared some to be family and some linked by blood as banished from my family.
I think anyone who has had the beautiful moment of the laugher and sharing of stories around a table after a home cooked meal would say that family is essential. And if one has not had that experience I would hope that they would wish they could find that as opposed to wish that no one could have that.
If often feels like she's trying to do the work of the capitalists for them. They start destroying something, and then she writes a book explaining how leftists can destroy it better...
Beautifully expressed- touching and heartfelt. Yes, I agree, family can be pretty bad, but like you, I believe the alternatives are worse. After all anthropologists found stone age people living in what can be called extended family. When I worked in Palestine (West Bank) in 2012 for Doctors without Borders, I saw how extended families can be strong and resilient in quite difficult circumstances. By the way, Rhyd, I love your posts and though I cannot pay for them I want to tell you how rich and inspiring I find them, going from climate and the goddess to the family, thought provoking and authentic, heart warming as well. I can feel you CARE - THANK YOU-
A thought - the idea of abolishing the family is an attempt, unconsciously to make everyone androgynous secular globalized friends flattening out the diverse ecosystem of relationships - neighbor, friend , man woman, grandfather, grand mother, mother, father, co-worker, business partner, brother, sister, son, cousin, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, husband, wife, daughter, lover, stranger you meet along the way, advisor, mentor, employee, employer, leader, follower, acquaintance, spiritual guide, rival, competitor and on and on and yes the androgynous, gay, lesbian, trans types and the added variety of cultures and belief systems. Each of these states of being have their own essence, taste, feel and purpose. Often those who squawk the loudest about diversity actually in practice want to reduce it severely. There are types in their minds that are not part of diversity.
Diversity is always a poor substitute for true pluralism, I think.
And I would add to those relationships - the broken, the crazy, the weak, the sick, the problem people - who will always be with us, and have their own place and purpose.
Thanks for introducing me to a new publication that it looks like I'd actuality enjoy.
I grew up the middle of 8 children. My mother was mentally ill (much later diagnosed as borderline - when we’d all grown up) and my dad was a Calvinist minister. It was highly dysfunctional, and often chaotic and violent. The religious aspect did not help (I got my sex education from Focus on the Family’s Dr Dobson). But I will say this: we took care of each other. I wished as a child that my mom had stopped having children after me, and like you, I have seen some very beautiful parenting in my younger siblings.
I cannot help but think Lewis doesn’t understand development- small children cannot consent or not consent...it is a the work of development in which they learn this. And by the time they do, some often run away (I used to work in a homeless shelter for youth). And these youth often then find family in other ways. In my religious days, the church was regarded as the “church family” and later when I found ecstatic dance, I referred to that community as my family. It seems natural to us to seek and find family of some sort, and what you said about the family being outside of the capitalist/political control resonates for me.
Oh, Dobson! That's a name I haven't thought about in a very very long time.
I think what happens with family abolitionists is that they take that latter kind of adopted family as a model for all families, like we should all get to choose who is family. That's a pretty idea, but there's a tyranny in forcing a decision on someone who doesn't have any other context. I think especially of all the younger gay and lesbian people I met with stories of being sexually abused by their new 'radical' family, running from something that felt stifling to something that became really exploitative.
I hadn’t thought about that, but that is present in street culture “families” too.
I was telling my partner a bit about your article, and we live in Mexico, and we agreed that family abolitionists would be laughed out if the country here. Family is scared here, for better or worse.
Ha! I remember a Marxist activist trying to explain to social justice activists how ridiculous it would be to ask her own abuela or any other women in her hometown what gender they identified as or what their pronouns were...
Delighted to see you appear in Compact - fantastic new heterodox publication!
Thanks!
What a gorgeous piece of writing.
You make an important point, if I may paraphrase, that the family is one of the few institutions remaining that is outside both state and market. Within a family, people make their own agreements, and they ordinarily pay for each others' services. As capitalism grew, the bulwark of the family suffered one blow after another. The extended, multi-generational family was shattered. (At one time, people lived in proximity to dozens or hundreds of relatives.) Today, the nuclear family clings on, but cedes more and more swaths of its territory. For example, many if not most families put the children in day care for 8 or more hours a day while they work. Those precious years when they are little, given over to state and market institutions.
We have a long road ahead of us to regain what we have lost. We can do it. It begins with valuing what we have lost, and what still remains to us, as precious.
This is a cultural phenomena too: where I come from, you mostly share a house with your family. You only split and acquire other housing if there isn’t enough space. But it gives an opportunity for the young generation to see the older one live out their days surrounded by love and the grandparents can help out with the kids and household work.
I didn’t know so many people lived out their days in nursing homes until I came to the States. Seems disconnected and lonely.
The original review was much longer but needed to be cut for space reasons. In the original, I'd mentioned a lot about how here where I am now, villages are often comprised of many extended families living next door or a few houses down from each other. When I married my husband, many in the village sent gifts to recognise me joining the village, which is really like a very large extended family...
I’ve heard you speak/write about that in the past. Lovely. ❤️
Thanks for the kind words!
I absolutely agree with you. I'd only clarify that family isn't really an "institution" in that it isn't instituted, it develops naturally. It's a nuanced difference, but an important one I think because institutions can be abolished, but human relationships cannot.
"institutions can be abolished, but human relationships cannot."
This is evergreen.
dystopian, not utopian, socialism, I am afraid...
Very beautiful Rhyd, love the way you weave so elegantly your honest personal story with sharp intellectual analysis. It's a compelling combination.
Thank you!
First they told women to lay on a table to let a man help them with childbirth. Then they said not to breast feed their babies. Then said mothers need to be older; wait till you are almost too old to have kids (mid and late 30's). And here we are. I am so glad YOU reviewed this book. best
It does seem with all these changes that supposedly liberate women, they actually end up somehow becoming the enemy, huh?
Thanks for your kind words. :)
What an insightful, and incredibly moving review. I’ve been enjoying your work for only a few weeks now, but what I have seen thus far has made me grateful you are contributing your thoughts to our current circumstances. Keep up the good work, and thank you for doing what you are doing.
Wow, thank you, and thanks for reading me. :)
You're very welcome. I'm trying my hand at this Substack thing as well, you're writing style and content are both helpful to me in that regard. Beyond that, I find you're work challenging and engaging. I appreciate the depth of your understanding regarding the challenges we face in the contemporary west.
Good review. While it is true that families can be terrible and oppressive, they are not the whole of reality. A terrible and oppressive state institution is much more difficult to escape. Of course, the ideal socialist institutions of the author's imagination will be nothing like Romanian orphanages or the child welfare system in the United States or Indian boardings schools. Hah. It is interesting to see the same tired arguments on certain topics rolled out on a regular basis--like watching Dawkins and the other New Atheists trundle out arguments that were old in the Middle Ages. I was a great Gilbert Keith Chesterton fan in my high school years and remember him addressing the same fantasies of liberty through the elimination of the private family.
Ah GK Chesterton will always hold my heart...
A really lovely piece of writing - I can hear the vulnerability amongst the academic and philosophical leanings an article such as this requires. Really enjoying your perspective and writing, subscribed after the beautiful newsletter about the art show. Thank you. 💜
And thank you!
Your work illuminates a lot of issues brought up by conservatives but ill understood by them. Thanks for the illumination.
Thanks! And often I feel like conservatives are often much quicker than leftists at understanding there is something wrong, but then they come to wrong conclusions about why it is wrong too quickly. On the other hand, leftists usually refuse to ever acknowledge the problem in the first place until they're later scrambling to figure out why everyone is now super angry with them.
Lately I thirst for commentary that is both coherent and moving, and you have never disappointed me. Thank you for this beautifully written, nail-on-the-head advocacy.
That was really beautiful to read, thank you!
I feel like she is describing problems that can occur in a family as having a root cause in the family as opposed to acknowledging that problems are derived from a capitalist society. Let me put it another way, if capitalism wasn't a thing would the same ills she describes as a problem in the family still exist?
I perceive that it is along the lines of if we just develop cybernetic implants we can rid ourselves of the problems of our body. This of course ignores that the so called problems of the body are either created by capitalism or exacerbated by the western style of capitalistic medical system.
As you describe don't blame the family for the issues, blame the society. A return to family with out the effects of a capitalistic empire is a far better plan than dissolving the family. Family is one of those few things we can have in our life that we don't have to labour for (well physically anyway) or pay for (well in theory). Also family is not limited to blood or biology, I myself have declared some to be family and some linked by blood as banished from my family.
I think anyone who has had the beautiful moment of the laugher and sharing of stories around a table after a home cooked meal would say that family is essential. And if one has not had that experience I would hope that they would wish they could find that as opposed to wish that no one could have that.
If often feels like she's trying to do the work of the capitalists for them. They start destroying something, and then she writes a book explaining how leftists can destroy it better...
Beautifully expressed- touching and heartfelt. Yes, I agree, family can be pretty bad, but like you, I believe the alternatives are worse. After all anthropologists found stone age people living in what can be called extended family. When I worked in Palestine (West Bank) in 2012 for Doctors without Borders, I saw how extended families can be strong and resilient in quite difficult circumstances. By the way, Rhyd, I love your posts and though I cannot pay for them I want to tell you how rich and inspiring I find them, going from climate and the goddess to the family, thought provoking and authentic, heart warming as well. I can feel you CARE - THANK YOU-
This comment really, really touched me, thank you.